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So I have this idea for a game show.  It’s this: You find a medium sized grocery store, a Harris Teater or an Ingles or what have you, (none of this super wal mart shit) and you get 20 people, men and women from 18 to, say, 50 and they have ten days to eat every bit of food and drink every drop of libation (including the alcohol) in the store.

No one gets voted off, but if you die or go to the hospital or quit because you ate seven pounds of cheese in one sitting and haven’t pooped in a week or whatever, then you’re done.  At the end of the ten days everyone alive and still in the store gets to split a million bucks only if everything is eaten.  If any morsel remains they get nothing.

If you eat it all, drink it all AND opt to also smoke all the cigarettes, you get a free cancer screening.

There would be hip strategies and things what with deciding on who eats what and when, obviously the perishables should go first, but also with trying to convince your teammates/opponents to eat really awful shit so they’ll have to quit.  All kinds of stuff could come into play.  They have to eat the canned food but we don’t give them an opener so how do they get into them?  What about the fucking coconuts?  Frozen dinners but no microwave, maybe.  Some people might be lactose intolerant; maybe one of these cats is kosher.  Who knows?

We could do an entire episode about the evaporated milk alone, whatever the fuck that is.

And, AND, what with the amount of beer and wine in most of these stores, everyone would be completely hammered the whole time, so it’d probably be pretty damn funny.

I think it’s got “GOLD” written all over it.

Thoughts?

Get a beverage of your choice and use it to wash down a fucking store.

E

I can’t be lonely, the landmarks all know me

Xoph-daddy recently brought to my attention the fact that in our blog sigs it kinda looks like we both have mustaches. And he’s right. Eventually I’ll make us new sigs but for the time being I want to make it perfectly clear that neither of us have now or have ever (as far as I know) rocked a ‘stash. Xoph does from time to time roll the full beard and I just have a perpetual five o’clock shadow.

It’s important to me that you all know that I do not in any way endorse mustaches of any kind.

Having said that, though, I still think Trabek should grow his back.

I also want to mention that thanks to my filthy assistant I have watched the video for “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at least thirty times tonight. I just can’t fucking stop. If you haven’t seen thing do yourselves a favor and go watch it. It’s glorious. So random. So very, very random. And awful. With overtones of pederasty. Seriously it’s brilliant in the depths of its insanity.

So brilliant, in fact, that it makes me want to make a music video. Several bands have asked me over the years to do a vid for them and every time I’ve said “no” because who needs the fuckin’ hassle but now, now I want to make one just so I can out-random Bonnie Tyler or whatever that chicks name is. I’m not even kidding. I want to make the video that makes the least sense ever. I’ve got ideas sirs and madams. Don’t kid yourselves. I’ve got ideas.

Anyway, the primary purpose of this blog, though, is I want to share a recent e-mail correspondence I had because it made me laugh. A lot.

I’m withholding the dudes name but otherwise these are untouched.

Dear Mr. Hunter,

I’m not writing because I liked your movie, though I did and I’ll get to that, but I’m writing because I’m kind of pissed off at you.

See my friend told me to watch For Catherine, so I did (I rented it on Netflix) and I really did like it. You guys made a really great movie. It was very funny, the dialogue was awesome and Catherine is hot. So I went to your IMDB page and I voted for you (that 4.6 is crap by the way, we all agree) and I saw that the movie most recommended for people who like your movie is Sense and Sensibility and I had heard of it but never seen it. And I thought I’d never even heard of your movie (no offense) and it was cool so I’ll give this a try. So I Netflixed it.

What the hell were you thinking? That movie was fucking terrible! And it was 12 hours long!

Have you even seen your movie? Why would you recommend S&S to people? Is it a joke I don’t get? If it’s a joke it’s not funny. It was boring and no one talks about halo or anything I care about.

What the fuck?

Regards,

Withheld

So I responded with this:

Dear sir:

I’m sorry you hated Sense and sensibility so much but I had nothing to do with that recommendation. I’ve never even seen that flick and probably never will.

IMDB picks those recommendations based on…I don’t even know what. I haven’t even seen half the recommended ones. Lost in Translation is pretty great, though.

Thanks for checking out our flick and for the kind words.

Best,

E

He hit me back with this:

E,

Lost in Translation sucked, too. But it’s not your fault I fault I watched it. For a guy who made such a good movie your taste in movies sucks.

And I said:

Dear sir:

It’s not my fault you watched Sense and Sensibility either.

E,

Then he said:

I still blame you. I want that part of my life back.

 

 

Those were my favorite emails in a long time.

Get a beverage of your choice and blame me for shit that’s not my fault, it’s the new black,

E

We’re living in a powder keg