207

For the greatest pic ever:

Get a beverage of your choice and appreciate the awesome cuteness of kitties.

E

she doesn’t exist anymore 

 

Well, it’s about time. After many months of pondering I’ve decided on my catch phrase. But before I reveal it, the top ten list of catch phrases that almost were:

10) You’re hired!
9) Ich liebe dich, mein fuehrer!
Put that in your ass and shit it!
7) Life’s short, then you—DAMN! I’m out of time!
6) America’s fallen and it can’t get up.
5) And I’ll form the head!
4) The third rule of Fight Club is that the first two are self-contradictory.
3) Humankind. Be both.
2) And knowing is half the battle, but I’ll win the war.

And the number one catch phrase I’m not going to use…

1) Merry Christopher to me, and to me a good light!

Those that are the catch phrases that I won’t be using. You wonder what my catch phrase will be, don’t you? Well, there it is: “Don’t you?”

I think it’s a useful catch phrase, don’t you?

And I’m looking forward to using it a lot in the future, don’t you?

And you blow goats, don’t you?

You guys watch the State of the Union last night? If you’ve watched it the last few years, you’ve seen most of it already: promised aid to Africa, allusions to September 11^th, fear-mongering, jingoism, and far far far too much clapping. But there were two significant differences as well.

But here’s my real point: The clapping. The goddamn clapping. It’s such a fucked tradition, like some weird children’s game.

If you’re a puppet and you know it, clap your hands!
If you’re a puppet and you know it, clap your hands!
If you’re a puppet and you know it,
then I think that you should shove it!
If you’re a puppet and you know it, clap your hands!

What’s the deal here? The president says, “I hate terror.” Everyone claps. Then he says, “It was good we invaded.” Half the people clap. “We should continue fighting.” A quarter of the people clap. “Aren’t my daughters wonderful?” Nobody claps. “I’m a fucking moron.” Everyone claps. Is this really democracy in action? We show our agreement or disagreement with a guy during his speech but banging—or not banging—the palms of our hands together: harder and faster if we really agree, slower and softer if not. Here’s an idea: Everyone shuts the fuck up, we listen to the asshole do his thing, then we tear him a new one afterward. Is that a deal?

-Christopher

P.S. My next blog will reveal my catch phrase.

Wanna make your own movie with my beautiful, beautiful words? Sure you do. I mean, who wouldn’t? Well, holy crap, now you can.

Over the years I’ve written a few short films, some of them I actually made, most of them I didn’t and it seems a shame to have them just sitting on the hard drive here at 207 central, so I now present a few scripts and hereby give you permission to take them free for nothing and do with them as you please. Make a movie, stage a play, draw a comic, whatever you like. I do ask, though, that you please drop me a line and let me know that you’re using it, that you give me the good old “written by” credit and that you please, please, please find a way to get me a copy of the finished product. Because that would be sweet. And, if you can possibly pull it off I HIGHLY recommend getting Travis Barkley to star in these things since most of them were written for him. He will work for food, but he eats a lot.

And, of course, if you just wanna read them, I hope you dig the hell right out of them.

And even more so I hope you make something beautiful with them.

I know we have a lot of talented fans out there and I really look forward to seeing what you guys can do.

Clickity click right here for the scripts.

And, in case any of you want any back story on any of these:

Zero was originally written and filmed for a final in a film class in 01. Our version turned out pretty well, but I’m sure many of you out there who, you know, actually know what you’re doing can do something even more amazing with it. Some of the “Bond” references date this script a bit, but only serve to make it classic. Um…yeah.

Breaking the Rules was written circa 99 after I had just wasted thirty dollars and about three hours of my life on a book on screenwriting. I decided, in order for the whole thing not to be a total waste, to write a short based on doing everything the book told me to absolutely under no circumstances do. I think this script is one of the funnier things I’ve done and I’ve always regretted I never made it. I really hope someone does this one up right.

Castling was written for a local production company in 05 who contacted me because they wanted to do a short for the festival circuit. I don’t know why it never materialized, but it didn’t. It was in the process of writing this that I discovered there’s a fifth ocean now. I bet you didn’t even know that shit.

Once Upon a Time in a very F@©ked Up Mind is a brand-new script, and quite the killer I feel. This one I wrote for myself just a few months ago, thinking I’d fill in the gap between features with a short, and because film festival entry fees are much smaller for short films, but I just don’t have the time. Still, this thing could be something special in the right hands.

Unreal Currency is very dumb. It was written for a contest a friend of mine wanted to enter on a Monday but when Tuesday came, and I had already written the damn thing, he decided he was too busy. So it goes. It makes me laugh and would be pretty easy to do. You know, if you hang out with snakes.

Crashing is also a brand-spanking-new script written for a very talented friend of mine who decided after reading it that he wanted something with more scope.  Or something.  I don’t really listen when people talk.  Whatever the case, it’s the sweetest story of a lecherous bastard that you’re likely to read any time soon.  The humour is more subtle but there’s something about this story that i really do like.  You pretty much have to have access to the ocean to make it properly, though.

There are a few more shorts laying around somewhere that I’ll put up eventually, but these are the first four. Happy shooting, kids.

Get a beverage of your choice and go make a friggin’ movie.

E

as the businessmen slowly get stoned

So my big sis is a really talented young actress.  I’m a big fan of hers.  She’s just been cast as a vampire hooker in a new no budget feature film.

Let me repeat that.  A vampire hooker.

I am GIDDY with anticipation.

Giddy.

There’s NO WAY this flick will be as bad as i hope it will be, but a brother can hope.

Just wanted to share.

E

Hop on my choo choo

Finding ways to entertain yourself under less than entertaining circumstances is apparently a Barkley trait.  It’s something I pride myself in, however, big brother Wes has it down to an art.  Without a doubt, one of his finest achievements in the field of self-entertainment was the creation and implementation of “Nerd-Bingo”, greatest academic-slacking based game of all time.

Those of you who have done the college thing have probably, at one point or another, had to suffer through some unbearable mass group lecture.  Wes was no exception.  I cannot even begin to fathom how incredibly mind-numbing this particular lecture must have been in order to inspire my brother to such a level of brilliance.

Every class, every lecture, every educational gathering of any kind; has it’s nerds.  You know them, you may well have been one of them at some time or another.  They are the ones whose hands spend more time in the air than on the desk.  No point can go uncommented on, they talk as much as the professors.   Wes’ lecture was nerd-central.  They took up the entire first two rows of a not-small lecture hall.

Here’s how nerd bingo works; each player picks a pony (nerd).  Every time your nerd speaks up or gets called on during the lecture, you get a letter.  First person to spell BINGO wins.  The simplicity is genius.

At the beginning of Nerd Bingo it was just my brother and one or two of his friends, but the mass appeal of this game was quickly realized and it was not long before others joined in.  The game became so popular that they had to organize.  Before every lecture the players got together for the “Nerd Draft”, when they would choose their champion for the day.  Of course, the next logical step after the organization of any competitive event is, of course, gambling.  Now that money was involved some new rules had to be implemented.  In order to claim your prize, you had to verbally call out “bingo” when you reach the mark.  It started innocently enough, 5$ buy in.

Nobody really thought it would be so hard to get a bingo, so, as a the lecture days passed and more and more players started joining the game, the prize continued to grow.  After just a couple weeks the Nerd-Bingo jackpot was well over 200 dollars.

Imagine now, if you can, a normal class day just like any other.  It’s nearing the end of the lecture, and all the players are keenly aware that the Nerd nicknamed “Captain Ka-knowledge” has had a very active day.  The Captain raises his hand…in unison the players clinch their teeth and tighten their fists…but the professor does not notice.  The Ka-knowledge hand lowers.  Relief.  But then it’s up again!  GASP!  But the professor continues to speak, trying to wrap up as quickly as possible, he was already over time.  The hand stays aloft…Captain Ka-knowledge will not be denied.  Then it happened,  the professor points into the crowd, dead center of the second row.  It is the Captain.  One of the players is heard to whisper, “here it comes…he’s about to drop a Ka-knowledge bomb on us!”  The nerd gets a single word out of his mouth before the lecture hall explodes.  I’m told that the “bingo” actually echoed.  Even better, immediately following the shocking enough victory call were the curses and screams of more than a dozen very defeated Nerd-Bingo competitors.

Apparently the winner caught a bit of heat over the outburst.  I’m guessing the 200-some dollars in his pocket somehow made it all okay.